What’s in a name Murdo?

The holidays are over and people are back to work and… and… our intrepid MSPs are back to work also. They’ve been having a bit of a longer rest because it is stressful work and they work very long hours. Honest. They do. No really.

The Tory Party and the Labour Party are having leadership contests. That should be interesting. The Tories have started off in style. In the blue corner it is Mr Murdo Fraser who has one thing on his mind. No not that, it’s actually, change. Yes change! As you will already know, once Murdo has won the leadership contest he will then disband the Tory MSP Party and start again with something more modern, more dynamic and more thrusting. That just sounds like the Tory Party does it not? I mean just look at “Call me Dave, but forget I suggested we should all hug a hoodie”. He is very, very, very something. Just not sure what that something actually is? Maybe he’s Mirror Man? He reflects back what you expect to see although it’s a pretty tinted view.

I think a new type of Scottish Tory Party is a great idea. I’m not sure it will make a lot of difference but it may attract a few more votes to add to the few more votes they already get. The Tories in Scotland have been pretty near dead for a number of years, although if you want to consider what a dead political party looks like, give the LibDems a look. Whoa! Messy or what?

I was wondering what the name of the new party would be. I’d imagine if the North East party members had a say they would want the name to be The Tollie Party but that’s a crap name (The South African take on it might not be too helpful either). They might want to go for a longer more sophisticated name like the Scottish Tory & Unionist Party Incredibly Dynamic. Sounds good. It could catch on. Not too sure many people would vote for STUPID or vote STUPID even. But there will be some who will. There’s always The Conservatory Party? Just get someone who sells conservatories to sponsor the party. So, for example, how about the Everest Conservatory Party. Makes it’s easier to remember and the Tories (Tolllies) make money at the same time. Done deal really.

Once that part is sorted out, and they win complete power, they might then turn their attentions to the BBC which has been critical of the Tories/Tollies/STUPID/Everest Conservatories in no small way after all and what comes around goes around, right? They could change the name from the British Broadcasting Corporation to the Blue Boy Channel. Much more dynamic although slightly camp maybe? Pink vote winner? This could be interesting.

Murdo for King for sure.

It just needs a huge amount of change for it to happen. And, let’s be honest here, the Tory Party is not exactly renowned for adopting significant change. They might yet surprise us. You never know.

Guilty pleasures…

Thanks for stopping by. Hopefully you’ll have arrived here because of a tweet which asked you to respond in part by coming here and finding out a bit more info. So here is the info –

I’m working on a lyric based on the idea of Guilty Pleasures and I thought it might be interesting to find out other people guilty pleasures and include the best examples within the lyric.

We all have guilty pleasures which are things we like to do but shouldn’t for any number of reasons – not being good for us, being embarrassing, being horrible but addictive etc.

So send me your examples and I’ll publish the completed lyric here and alert you  by tweet when it’s done. I’ll also provide a list of all the guilty pleasures people provide,  with or without the names of those who provided them so tell me if you don’t want your name shown.

Peoples guilty pleasures can be anything and I might produce more than one version of the lyric to cover interesting pleasures, funny pleasures and OMG pleasures and anything else for that matter.

Add a comment here or tweet… Go on you know you want to!!!!!!


PC Murdoch and the Hoodies demise

It’s a big Hallo fae PC Murdoch. Whit a few weeks it’s been. I mean the Gala days went oaf withoot any real bother altho thurs eyweys a couple oh the boays that drink too miny shandies. Then the weans are oan thur holidays an it’s tennis , golf, bikes in scooters. They git bored an then they start getting up tae mischief. Yi no how it is tho…

Oor Wullie, apparently he’s abodies Wullie anaw noo, his been gittin intae boather. Crashed his cartie inti Hens Broons motar. Hen wisnae pleased a kin tell yi. It’s a BMW he jist goat an noo it’s goat a big scratch doon the side o it. Wullies faithers hivin to piy to get it soarted. Thon Soapy Souter been a pest an aw this year.  He’s bin jumpin oaff an oan busses without peying as if his faither owns thim. Come tae think o it, his faither dis own thim noo a think aboot it. That’s yin less ti wury aboot thin.

The Broons have been fairly quiet. Thon distant cousin Gordon fae Fife, turnt oot tae be a bit o an embarrassment.  There’s him spending oor money buyin banks in sich like as if he cud print money if he ran shoart. Hiv yi iver heard the like? He’s retired noo an thon “Call me Dave” boays tain ower.

Av bin haein ti explain ti ma inspector aboot ma faimily? He’s bin really keen to ken whit thur up tae. Great Uncle Roburt went tae Australia years an years ago efter a wee stooshie involvin sheep. Let’s say nae mair on that tho! The faimlies din aw richt oot there richt enough. Once they geid up the sheep they started a paper out there and before we knew it they had papers all ower the world, even here in the UK. This latest wee bit oh trouble though aboot thon hacking cairy oan hisnae been kind tae me. I telt him Rupert wiz a very distant reli and I’d certainly no been tellin him tales aboot famous folk in Achinshoogle.  I dinnae think thir is any famous folk here at aw apart fae that Jakey Rowlinginit wae wiz supposed tae hiv written some i thone Harry Potter books it a café here!  She mist really hae liked coffee geen the number i cafes she wrote in or maybe it wiz jist to save on heating an electric?

A’ve also hud tae explain to ma Inspector aboot ma involvement wi the local Dundee papers and comics. No easy. I telt him it wiz a bit i PR, soart i like a fly oan the wall documentary but being drawn insteed i filmed, bit he wisnae happy.

Jist when I thought things wur calmin doon they looters started misbehavin and stuff. I wiz jist gled it was doon sooth so it wis nane i ma concern. Then ma Inspector gits me in and tells me A’m being sent doon ti London ti help. Help oot with whit I thoucht? I hid ti get mizured fir riot gear. Me. Gid grief whit nixt. I didnie hae long to wait tho. Nixt it wis Tazer training and street tactics. Whit happened to a wee clip oan the ear? It works jist fine in Achinshoogle?

I goat tae London on Tuesday moarnin and it wiz jist awful. Shops hid been looted, building set oan fire and cars and all sorts smashed up and left in the streets. I felt soarry fur the shoapekeepers. Mind you hearing about some of the prices thae shoaps hud been charging fur stuff I did wonder tae masel who wiz theivin fae who.

When it started to git dark things goat very busy. I was in a polis van wi nine other boabbies fae Scotland. We were telt ti go an stand in a line at a crossroads and look as if we meant business. Then when a crowd o’ hoodies started throwing stuff at us we were told to charge. I mean com oan. I’m no far fae retirement (it feels like ave been aboot to retire for years and years) and some London polis wants me ti start running aroond the streets. I ask yi.

A soartie made an effort and then this hoodie started tae run at mi.  Quick as a fairly slow flash I goat ma taser oot and managed ti shoot masell in the leg wi it. Kini tricky to let go i the trigger mind. I thoat I wiz goanie expire in London where the streets definily urny paved wi gold. One o the ither boabies fi Aberdeen kicked it oot ma hand thankfully. Quick thinkin fae him. He plays fitba fur the Polis team in Grampian, wicked left fit!

I’m back in Achinshoogle noo. The London polis thought it wid be safer for awboady concerned if a wis held in reserve raither thin ending up in court feelin the full might i Camerons revenge efter me probably injuring ither polis.

The hoodie whae wis goannie attack me? Three or fowr ither polis subdued him oan ma behalf. He wiz fine when he wiz taken away but mysteriously and tragically he fell doon the stairs in the polis station they took him ti and ended up wi various bruises an a limp.

It’s an ill wind and aw that richt enough.

Time to pit the kettle oan.


What’s your neighbour called?

What’s your neighbour called?

That’s a kind of a strange title for a post. You know what they are called. They are Mr and Mrs Smith or Jones or any other of millions of diverse and far-flung names. Maybe you’re on first name terms even?

I have a sneaking suspicion that we all have made up names for our neighbours based on that tried and tested scientific process which involves asking friends and family what they call their neighbours. The evidence suggest that if we don’t know neighbours too well we may refer to them by a name we make up which matches our perception of them.

That being the case I thought it might be fun to share some of those names whilst, of course, maintaining anonymity for everyone. I’ll begin shall I since it was my idea to do this?

I’ll start off with s chap who used to lived opposite me. I wasn’t entirely sure of his name but one Saturday morning it became obvious what it really was. I looked out of the windows and saw him opening the curtains in his bedroom and he was quite bald, the a few minutes later I saw him open the downstairs lounge curtains with a full head of hair. You know what his nickname became don’t you? Wiggy. It couldn’t really be anything else.

Next door to him was Mr Angry. I’ve no idea if he was permanently angry but his red face certainly suggested he might be. The next house featured Mrs Efficient who was always organised, worked in a local shop and was very quick at serving people. The Captain’s Wife lived at the other side, so called because her husband was in the merchant navy.

There was also Dirty Stop Out Girl so called as she was regularly brought home mid-afternoon at weekends still wearing the night before glam outfit. Ugly boy and Knob, self-explanatory really, and similarly but requiring a slight hint The Screamer, who seemed to enjoy frolicking with her boyfriend somewhat in a vocally descriptive manner. She could be more annoying at times as the screaming sometimes took place during Question Time. Perhaps political debate was boring for her or perhaps even a lot more interesting than most viewers found it? Torn Faced Shite was a grumpy woman who must have suffered with continual grumping syndrome, it’s the only explanation I can think of.  No Ma Pal was so called due to her being confused with her sister who was friendlier than she was.

None of these were created with malice and they were never repeated to people outside of immediate family.

So what names do you have for your neighbours?

Hibees – Lyrics

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Hibees (Lyrics set to Lola by The Kinks).


A met hur at a gem doon it Easter Road

It’s thi best place ti watch Hibernian,

C’mon H-H-Hibees, H-H-Hibees.

Shi sat nixt tae me an wi started ti chat

Wi watched the gem it wis guid ti see

The H-H-Hibees, c’mon H-H-Hibees


We’ll A’m no the worlds maist modurn man

Bit A smiled it hir altho she wis too shy,

Tae shout fur Hibees, H-H-Hibees


Well A’m quite smart bit A couldnae understand

Why she wis oan her ain at a fitba’ gem

Watching Hibees, H-H-Hibees, H-H-Hibees


It half time I bought hur a pie

An a Bovril annaw ti wash it doon

Shi looked it me stared me in the eyes

An says “This pie’s no as guid as it ither grounds


Well A’m no the worlds greatest expert in pies

Bit A know a guid pie and the pies are guid At

Hibees, H-H-Hibees, H-H-Hibees Hibees,

H-H-Hibees, H-H-Hibees


Then the Hibees scored, A leapt tae ma feet

A jumped up and doon, but she stiyed oan hur seat

Then A looked it her an she it me

That’s no the wiy I wanted hur ti be

I wanted hur to cheer fur the Hibees, H-H-Hibees.


A luv ma team bit shi wisnae as keen

A wis confused, who did she cheer fur If no fur

Hibees, H-H-Hibees.


When A left hame ti gon ti the gem

A nivver thought A’d meet a wummin like hur

Noo she smiled it me and tain mi by the han

An says “Hey Pal A prefer maroon to green”.


Well A’m no the worlds maist intelligent guy,

Bit A knew that she wisnnae a Hibernian fan

Shi wis a Jambo, aw naw naw shi wis a Jambo

Bit A love the Hibees, H-H-Hibees,

Hibees, H-H-Hibees, H-H-Hibees.

Hibees, H-H-Hibees, H-H-Hibees.

Hibees, H-H-Hibees, H-H-Hibees.

Hibees, H-H-Hibees, H-H-Hibees.

Hibees, H-H-Hibees, H-H-Hibees.

Hibees, H-H-Hibees, H-H-Hibees.


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Here’s Johnny…

No axes required tho. A Johnny is a person who is visiting Edinburgh, or any other part of the world, which is not their natural country. I refer to them as Johnnies.

At this time of the year in Edinburgh we get them by the cart, bus, train, plane, taxi and bike load. Johnnies can somewhat impede ones progress when trying to circumnavigate to ones desired location. I stress not however, as the Johnnies come here and spend lots of money. On one occasion, one of the locals become somewhat tired and emotional and shouted up to the Jonny passengers in one of those open topped tour buses. “Why don’t you just stay ay home!” and then added, “Just send us your money anyway tho”. Seemed reasonable as a suggestion although I fear that the Johnnies may well have taken a dim view of said advice.

Not to worry. I find progress can be maintained reasonably if one doesn’t stop when Johnnies are taking photographs. They tend to take a lot. They tend to have large cameras. You know what they say about male Johnnies with huge camera lenses? That’s right, they have very sore shoulders lugging them about all day. Ha ha ha.

From time to time Johnnies stop onee and ask for directions. No problem really. Well I say no problem but that depends on the Johhny. One asked me for directions to a cinema recently. I asked which one. Anyone she said. I kid you not. I gave her two options and she walked off delighted.

Lots of famous Johhnies pitch up in Edinburgh for the Festival. Apparently John Malkovich was up the High Street handing out flyers. He could have popped down and given me a hand with the back garden but no. Him and his fliers eh?

I saw Rich Hall a couple of years ago. He was hung over but very funny. He looks more and more like Mo from the Simpsons everyday.

So if you’re in Edinburgh take care. Watch out for random Johnnies.

Jambonian Rhapsody

If you enjoy this blog article please link to me on Twitter account “@Idiot_Husband”. I will then tweet you as more articles in the same light-hearted vein are published.Please leave a comment and/or Tweet, email or text the location of this article to people you think would also enjoy it.The following parody changes the words somewhat to Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen.

For thos of you who are not familiar with Edinburgh let me explain slightly explain the parody. There are two footbal/soccer clubs in Edinburgh – Heart of Midlothian FC know as Hearts or Jam Tarts who play at a stadium called Tynecastle (it is nowhere near the River Tyne and looks nothing like a Castle. The other team is Hibernian FC know as Hibs or the Hibees who play at a stadium called Easter Road and to be fair it’s at least East depending on where you are of course.

Hearts fans are known as Jambos and Hibs fans are Hibees bit of which can be expanded to include the degree of profanity the situation requires.

Lastly people from the north side of Edinburgh are called Leithers as they live in Leith. There is no such airline as Leither Air although I may write a short blog on how it would operate if it in fact did exist.

Jambonian Rhapsody

Wish a wiz dreamin’ am a completely sane?

Stuck in this nightmare, A’m working fur Leither Air

Up in the sky stuck in a humungus plane

Am jist a Steward, a dinnae really care

Cos I jist muck aboot in the plane, have a laugh, have some fun

Laughin wi the punters enjoyin ma wee life yi see.

Now a want ti follow Hearts, it’s a stupit thing tae dae

What will ma Faither say.

Ma Da is a real Hibee

But now A’ve seen the error of his wiys

Ma Da, ah naw. Wull completely lose the place

When A teer up ma Hibees season ticket

He’ll go oan, He’ll go oan as if it really matturs

Meantime back oan this plane

A’ve goat ti sell some gear, ti the punters drinkin beer.

Cum oan every boady gees yur cash

So a can get a rest, get aff ma feet

Gid grief, ah naw, a bairn his jist been sick

I’ll need ti clean it up wi a paper towel

A see a chance of hivin a bit of fun

Whit a blinder, whit a blinder. I’ll say it’s Norovirus.

That’ll keep them quiet very very frightened yi see.

(Feelin sickly.) Feelin sickly. (Feelin sickly.) Feelin sickly. Feeling sickly but no me

Aw naw no me

I’m just a Jambo who used to be a Hibee

Noo he’s a Jambo but his Da’s a Hibee

Gee him a brek fae Hibs monotony

Lit ‘im be a Jambo, wi’ the ither Jambos

Tynecastle! He’ll no be allowed tae go. (Lit mi go)!

Tynecastle! He’ll no be allowed tae go. (Lit mi go)!

Tynecastle! He’ll no be allowed tae go. (Lt mi go)!

No allowed ti go. (Lit mi go)!

No allowed ti go. (Lit me go)!


Naw, naw, naw, naw, naw, naw, naw

Oh Faither dearest, Faither dearest, Faither dearest, lit me go

Sergio has a season ticket put aside fur me, fur me, fur me

Dae yi think you can stoap me bein’ a big Jambo?

Dae yi think Easter Roads is the place a shud go?

Oh nae chance, yi cannae make mi go back there

Jist no gonnie go, jist no gonnie go ever again.

Jambos really matter, they’re whits dear ti me

Jambos really matter

Jambos really matter tae me

Awae, awae the Jambos

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